Excuses
by TalaDentro
Summary: Parody/Crackfic: Harry missed a Transfiguration lesson and shows up twenty minutes late for the next one. McGonagall confronts! Randomness insues! Slash! Kinda OOC! Commas and exclamation points galore! Review please!
1. The Excuse

**A/N: Hello again! Yet another crack fic. Enjoy! **

**Authors: Me, Daichitenski, and our sister Carlie (she doesn't have an account so I'm using her name). It was all rather odd, we were sitting around having one of our "are they drunk?" conversations and we started talking about the excuses people make up, and we started this one about a bear and berries, and Daichi was like, hmm, this would make a great crackfic. And I was like, I know! I've already started writing it in my head. So, here it is. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I so forgot to do one. I own squat, zip, zilch, nada, nothing. **

**Warnings: Parody, slash (more of a short mention really, but it's there just the same), OOC, no real plot, and commas, lots and lots of commas.**

**Assume that the paragraph breaks are when Harry is taking a breath.**

**I'm going to separate this into different chapters because *drum roll* I CAN! **

**Beta: My super awesome niece who is now officially my beta-whore (just as I am her beta-bitch), FirstLaugh-LastTears  
**

**Note: Honestly, if his rambles bore you, you can go ahead and skip to chapter two, there is no pertinent information in it.  
**

Chapter One: Excuses Excuses

"Mr. Potter! Explain yourself! You were absent yesterday and today you come waltzing in here twenty minutes late!" McGonagall snapped, her accent getting thicker in her agitation.

"But it's not my fault professor! You see, I was walking through the corridors from the dungeons to your class when I was attacked by a bunch of flying berries! As I was trying to defend myself from the very unjustified foofarah, a large bear came from out of nowhere! He stood in front of me and raised his claws high above his head, this scared the berries so they played opossum and fell rather limply to the floor in self-defense. He started screaming about how I'd stolen his berries. I put my hand up, palm flat toward him and said,

'No sir that is not the case at all. I was standing in this hall minding my own business when YOUR berries flung themselves into my face! I must take this time to ask you, my dear Mr. Bear, to control your overexcited fruits!'

He said, 'Oh, well that's another matter entirely.'

Just like that he started to gather up his berries so that they would stop attacking random people minding their own business in empty corridors. Now, of course, I couldn't just leave him there. What kind of person would I be, Professor, if I had just left him to gather up all those berries all by his lonesome? So I started picking up the berries from where they had fallen.

As I was doing this I realized it might be the time to get some answers, so I asked the berries as a group why they attacked me. This one called Kenny said that they had been running away from the bear. They don't mind getting eaten, but they didn't like the bear because he played tricks on their tiny brains. He would love them and pet them and give them proper names like Kenny and Davey. Then, when they trusted him the most, he would eat their best friend! All the berries cried, 'Oh woe to poor Larry!' And it isn't just that he ate Larry, oh no, it was much worse than that. The bear had squished Larry, very very very slowly, and then ate him bit by even smaller bit. It was a slow, torturously painful death.

From that day on the berries vowed that they wouldn't let the bear eat them. So they had escaped. They figured that if they attacked someone that someone would get so angry that he or she would eat them right away! Then they apologized and asked rather politely for a bunch of berries, if I could help them. I told them no, because as much as I wanted to help, I didn't want to be eaten by a bear even less than they did. They accepted this.

Anyway, after we were done collecting all the berries, the bear asked me to help him carry them all to his cave in the woodland forest just beyond the forbidden one. So we did, it took forever. On the way, I accidently dropped Kenny and squished him, at which point half of the berries cried, 'Oh my gosh! You killed Kenny!' And the other half screamed in reply, 'You BASTARD!' It rather sounded like some absurd version of Marco Polo. Oh that's a muggle game usually played in a swimming pool by the way. Well, after that they just flat out refused to talk to me, the stupid ungrateful berries.

Eventually, we reached the cave and I dumped the berries where the bear told me to, bowed to him, and took my leave. Now I realize normally at this point that the bear should've torn me to shreds and eaten me, but the bear, who told me his name is Marianne, said that he wouldn't since I'd helped him carry all those god forsaken berries.

So off I went, back through the woodland forest, but before I could reach the forbidden one, a tap dancing pirate with one wooden leg, a duck on his shoulder, and a purple and green eye patch danced into my path and stopped in front of me. He asked rather demandingly if I'd seen any berries. Well, I wasn't going to lie to him, so I lead him all the way back to the bear's cave. By the time we got there, it was one in the morning, and I was exhausted. The bear had hidden the berries and he was asleep so we couldn't ask him anything. So I fell over and went to sleep. As far as I know, the pirate continued to tap dance.

When I woke up it was about eight or nine in the morning, but I'm honestly not sure because I didn't have a watch and I haven't learned to transfigure one yet. Now, I'm not blaming you or anything, Professor. I'm just saying that if you had done a better job, we might not be in this predicament. To continue: the bear and the pirate were arguing about who got the berries. I tried to mediate, but well, let's just say that it disintegrated into a fight and leave it at that. The bear killed the pirate, which should've been obvious. I mean; a one-legged pirate against a freaking bear!? That would've been cool, if he had won though…

Anyway! So I went through the woodland forest again and this time I finally got into the Forbidden Forest. However, I no longer had a large, ferocious bear to protect me and was attacked by a rather sparkly man with long pointy teeth who was screaming something about how he couldn't read my mind so I must be his mate. He almost got me but then those big spider things surrounded us. I turned into a butterfly, as that is my animagus form, and since I'm illegal I probably shouldn't have just told you that, and flew away. As for the sparkly guy, well, he be sparkly spider food now.

A few hours later I'd finally made it up to the castle and was only five minutes away from your classroom when Dumbles captures me in his stupid silver butterfly net. I turned back into me, breaking said net, since it's designed to hold a butterfly, not a full-grown teenager (no matter how short I may be). At first he thought I was some dark creature. I managed to convince him that I was me, but then he made me fix his butterfly net and that took awhile. When I was finally done I started toward your class again when Luna Lovegood attacked me and tried to extract the nargles from my brain. I stunned her, but was stopped again! This time by Charlie Weasley who chased me around for fifteen minutes trying to kiss me! Why was he here anyway? Shouldn't he be in Romania? Whatever, anyway, so I petrified him, and finally, made it to your delightful classroom. I can honestly say that I've never before worked so hard to attend one class."

**A/N: What can I say? Frankly, I'm amazed you've gotten this far.**

**...200+ visitors and not one of you reviewed? *shakes head sadly* Laaame.  
**


	2. The Result

Chapter Two: Result

Harry took in several rather deep breaths, trying to get his wind back. He heard Ron mutter behind him, something about students gathering dust and aging five years during one story. He looked up at McGonagall to see her staring at him with the oddest look on her face.

"Well, here, if you don't believe me, I brought Davey with me."

He pulled out a small berry from his pocket, and placed it in his open palm, which he held up just under her nose.

"Hello!" The cute little purple berry chirped happily. "Me love Harry, Harry save me from big bad bear. You know I like Harry. I like the name too! In fact I'm going to change my name! Not to Harry, but, maybe something similar like, erm…Barry! Yeah that's it!"

McGonagall still had that blank look on her face when the oddest thing happened: she meowed. Harry stared at her for a few moments in shock. Then, as he was rather used to all the redonkulousness (A/N: I googled it – that is the correct spelling) that occurs in the Wizarding World, he merely shrugged. Harry transfigured Barry into a ball of yarn and tossed it at McGonagall who caught it deftly. She started rolling around on the floor with it between her hands. Biting at it occasionally and purring rather loudly.

"Oh no, Harry!" Hermione shrieked. "You've broken the Professor! However are we going to learn transfiguration now?"

"Who cares?" Ron exclaimed, shocked. "Don't you realize what this means? Free period!"

The entire class let out a whoop, and ran from the room as fast as possible without injuring themselves. Harry, leaving McGonagall alone with her Barry-yarn, walked at a much more sedate pace. After all, coming up with all that bullshit on the spot like that can be rather exhausting. Not to mention conjuring an intelligent talking berry.

**A/N: All we wanna do is eat your brains. We're not unreasonable, I mean no-one's gonna eat your eyes. But we won't do either if you (maybe) review. Choose wisely, we're getting hungry.**


	3. The Reason

Chapter Three: The Reason

As Harry walked out of the Transfiguration classroom, along the corridors leading to the dungeons, he noticed the sound of soft footsteps behind him. His heart raced. He knew it was his lover. Tingly feelings rushed up and down his teeny little hormonal body and a rather wide, super stupid looking grin took hold of his face.

Long, pale fingers slipped down, past his shoulders. Two strong arms followed; wrapping around him and pulling him back into a solid chest. "I apologize again for keeping you so busy, pet," said a deep, smooth voice that reminded Harry of silk and melted chocolate. "I was just so entranced by the delicious noises you make, that I didn't even notice I'd kept you a full day. I only meant to dally a little. Do I need to make your excuses to anyone?"

"No," Harry replied softly, turning in the man's arms so that he could look upon that perfect visage. "I've already done that." He reached his fingers up and tangled them in the long, soft black hair of one Severus Snape. (A/N: o_O)

He pulled the man closer and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "I'm afraid though, that we might need a new Transfiguration Professor. The last time I saw the old one, she was just starting to hack up human hair balls."

Severus chuckled, it was an oddly rusty sound; which was strange since oxygen causes rust and well, ya know what never mind. The point is; Severus was amused. He brushed the hair out of his much younger lover's face. "So you talked another one bonkers, huh? I've been thinking, that's probably the power Voldemort knows not. I'm pretty sure that you could talk, or should I say ramble, anyone to death."

Harry pouted, "That's not very nice Sevie."

"No one has ever tried to paint me as being such a ridiculous thing as nice. And anyone who tries to is a fool, or, a crazy fan-girl off her meds."

Harry shrugged. "So, do you wanna hear what I told Professor McGonagall?"

"No. As far as I know, Harry, I do not have a death wish."

The End, or, is it?

**A/N: So, what did you think? Press the Irish-green button and a leprechaun will come and give you his crock of gold once you have submitted a review. **


	4. The Extra

**A/N: Again assume that paragraph breaks are when Harry is taking a breath; though I guess technically he doesn't really need to but whatever.**

Chapter Four: Extra: V's Death

"So hey Voldemort I was just thinking. I don't really like you. You look like a pickled Frank Burns. You do know who Frank Burns is, don't you? Well I'll tell you, he's a doctor in this old American muggle television show called Mash; mobile army surgical hospital – m,a,s,h – Mash, get it? Doesn't "nes pa" mean "get it" in French? I suppose it doesn't really matter. Hey if I say 'well' you should let me know because I tend to say it a lot when I talk and I'm trying to cut down on my use.

Am I boring you? Not that I care, I'm just curious. No? Okay then. So it, the television show I was just talking about I mean, ran in the seventies and eighties and holy crap was it hilarious. Anyways he was a douche face doctor who didn't like anybody and nobody liked him either. His nickname was ferret face. You really do look like him, had he been a fermented pickle.

You know how they do that? That's where they take vegetables and soak it in brine for a month and a half. Yup that's what your skin looks like, all icky and slimy and green. It must feel really gross being you. Have you ever considered seeing a dermatologist? My cousin Dudley went to see a dermatologist for his acne once. Not sure what she did to him, but it really worked. One, two weeks later, no pimples and they haven't come back.

Now, me, I don't have acne. Not once in my life have I ever been cursed with a pimple. Must be the main character thing working in my favor. I hear sex helps with that too. I don't know if that's true though, didn't have them before I started having sex so don't know if it would've taken them away had I had them.

I think it does though. Ron used to have pimples, I know because he used to complain about them all the time. Then he hooked up with Hermione and stopped complaining. Of course, it might not be because he doesn't have them anymore. It could be that he's just so distracted by the sex itself, or so happy that he's having it, that he doesn't think about the pimples anymore. Or he just doesn't worry about them anymore because he already had a girlfriend and doesn't need to impress anyone anymore.

I don't know about Hermione. Never heard her complain about pimples. I'm not interested in girls, gay you know, so never paid very much attention to what was or was not on her face. My boyfriend's hair is kind of overly greasy, but I never saw him with a pimple either. Of course, he's an older wizard so he could just be using a spell to get rid of them.

I wonder if there is such a thing as a spell that smoothes out skin. If there is you should really try it. I mean, wouldn't you prefer having smooth, silky, beautiful skin to the crap you've got covering your skeleton now? I mean it's your body, your decision, and I guess you don't really think about whether or not you're attractive when you're just going around killing everybody.

You're not very good at making friends are you? I am. Good at making friends I mean. I have lots of friends. Is that why you're a psycho killer? You were bullied in school, ignored by the popular kids? Maybe didn't get enough hugs at the orphanage you were dumped at because no one wanted you? Do you want a hug? I'll give you a hug. Eh, maybe not. Tell ya what, you find that spell for your skin and then I'll give you a hug.

You know this mind link thing is really handy. I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to talk like this. If we were face-to-face you would just kill me and we wouldn't have the opportunity to chat. So thank you for trying to kill me and imbedding that piece of your soul in my forehead. Comes in handy. We've figured out how to nullify it by the way. In fact, the mind link is really all that's left of it now. You won't be able to use it to come back to life, or possess me, or anything actually. And then once you're dead, which, no offense, I hope will be soon, it will disappear completely. Oh and while we're on the subject, I'm sorry to tell you that I've destroyed all the other horcruxes you made. Sucks to be you.

Ya know, now that I think about it, your eyes are kind of cool. How'd you get them that nice crimson color? A friend told me that they turned red after you made your hundredth kill. I think that's bullshit. Could be true I guess, but I seriously doubt it. Seems too stupid and cliche to be true. Actually now that we're back on the subject of your looks, you're too skinny to be Frank Burns. Hmm, maybe Tommy Kirk in his role as Merlin Jones. Yeah that's it. Merlin Jones turned Voldmort, what an odd thought.

All this talking is making me hungry. What to eat though? Maybe macaroni and cheese. Do you like macaroni and cheese? Na you're too much of a sour puss to like macaroni and cheese. I heard this really funny quote about macaroni and cheese. This girl, Juno was her name, it was in a movie, was talking about her boyfriend. She said he was the 'cheese to her macaroni.' I always loved that quote. I wanted to find a love that was like that. But nah. With my boyfriend it's more like I'm the bezoar to his poison. I'm not sure how romantic that is. I still like the sound of it though.

Have you ever been in love Tom? I'll bet it was unrequited. Then again, you were quite handsome when you were younger. You know, before you got all old and gross and snaky. How old are you anyway? I think I read on Harry Potter Wiki, which is this website the Ministry put together to keep track of everybody, why they named it after me I can't even begin to understand. Anyway, it said that you were born in 1926. Hmm, sorry I'm not the best at math. Let's see, er, that would be one, then you'd carry the one make that twelve and - Holy shit! That would make you seventy-one! You are old. Geez, I don't even want to think about how old that makes Dumbledore, him having been your teacher and all. I should've looked up his birth date while I was at it. Oh well, I can always check it later.

Did you know that he's gay? I know! I was surprised too! Well, maybe not so much. Oops there I go using 'well' again. I really do need to cut that out. What was I saying again? Oh right, Dumbledore being gay. Yeah I hear that Grindelwald was his lover, ya know, before Dumbly killed him. Pretty sad when you think about it. You and I though, we are one hundred percent different from them. In that, we will never be lovers. No offense, but ew. If you looked like you did from the diary that would be a different story. But there is no way in bloody fucking hell I would ever touch you the way you look now. Anybody who says otherwise is on crack.

Have you ever done crack? You look like the type of person who would. I would never do drugs. That'll be the main character thing again-"

The rest of his sentence was cut off by a tortured wail. It turned into a scream and then abruptly cut off. Harry smirked. "I don't think Sev thought his plan would work quite so well."

"What's that? What are you mumbling about?" Snape asked snappishly.

"Take a look at your arm."

Snape raised an eyebrow and his lips quirked suspiciously. He rolled up his left shirt sleeve, his eyes widening comically as he stared at his pale, unmarked skin. "It's gone!" He tugged his robes off to look at his shoulder.

Harry laughed at him. "I promise it hasn't escaped to another body part, Sev. It really is gone."

"B-b-bu-but how?"

Harry couldn't help but be amused. He'd never seen the snarky man quite so lost for words. "Well you remember how I broke Professor McGonagall-"

"Of course I do. I just paid a visit to her in St. Mungo's last week."

"If you would let me _finish_!" Harry snapped, glaring at his oil-haired lover. "You remember how you said that my rambling abilities were probably the power mentioned by the prophecy?"

"Yeah…" Snape said, drawing out the last syllable of the word.

"And you remember how you said I could probably ramble anyone to death?"

Snape nodded, his eyes widening as he began to realize where this was heading.

"Well, through the handy little mind link I have with him, I just did. Talk him to death, I mean."

"No way."

"Yes way."

"There is no fucking way that the dark lord, one of the most powerful wizards in the entire fucking world was destroyed by listening to idle chit-chat!"

"Alright, fine. I'm lying. Voldemort is still alive. I just finally found a spell strong enough to hide the mark from sight and wanted to surprise you."

Snape sniffed. "Thank you for telling me the truth."

"Severus! Severus! Are you there? Answer me! This is important!"

They both stood and walked into the living room. Lucius Malfoy's head was floating in the fireplace. "Oh, there you are!" Harry was rather startled to see the stick-up-his-ass-Malfoy-patriarch grinning like an idiot. "You'll never believe it Severus! The dark lord is dead! About ten minutes ago, he gave this scream and then just dropped dead! It's amazing, we're all free! Party tonight, my place, BYOB. I'm gonna go tell everyone else."

His head disappeared and silence fell over the room.

"Sev, you doubted me." Harry said, in a rather dangerous voice. "You know what that means."

Snape shivered at the promise in his significantly younger lover's voice. He sighed and stood, "I'll go get the whip."

The End…again.

**A/N: A few of my readers *cough* Basill *cough* said they wanted to see Harry defeat Voldemort in the same way he defeated McGonagall. So, here it is. Thank you all so much for your support. I still think it's very interesting that the story that got the most response is the only one with any sex in it *cough* A Rather Unexpected Result - which everyone should read if they haven't read yet - *cough*. You silly perverts. =D **


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